


To Go Home

by slime_hawk



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Drug Withdrawal, M/M, Male Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Mental Health Issues, Mentally ill main character, Multi, Multidimensional Travel, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Self-Insert, Trans Male Character, Trans Pidge | Katie Holt, Universe Travel, Withdrawal, no actual harming of self tho, self-harm mentions, space travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-09-06 14:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8756116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slime_hawk/pseuds/slime_hawk
Summary: Cassian is a depressed teenage boy having another mental breakdown when he makes a wish to live an extraordinary life. His wish is granted, in a way, when he ends up on an alien planet only to find himself meeting one of the Paladins of Voltron, characters from a show he’s long been obsessed with. As he’s taken aboard the Castle of Lions, he’s barely even star struck as he swears he’ll find a way to get back home so he can be reunited with all he’s left behind. He only hopes that the Paladins will help him through it.





	1. And So He Was Lost (And So He Was Found)

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, please don't kill me. This is mainly a writing exercise to keep me writing every day. I wanted to write something fun and casual, and this happened. And just so you know, Cassian will not be a key player in any major plot points outside of relationship developments. He's not special. He's just a kid.

_Cassian burst into a sob as naturally as a star would burst at the end of its life._ At least, that’s what he thought. He was detached enough to wonder, though, do stars really burst? Do they implode rather than explode? _Fuck,_ he thought, _I don’t fucking know._

               He didn’t even know why he was crying this time. He knew the reason he was crying now, of course, but the reason he started was beyond him. It was probably because he was watching Yuri!!! On ICE again. That damn anime always tore him apart in the worst ways. Something about watching animated figures skate beautifully made him realize he’d never have anything like that. He’d never have an extraordinary life, full of skills he’d worked hard for and people who loved what he loved.

               It was hard to explain, exactly, but it made him ache with the possibility that maybe if he had picked up figure skating or ballet when he was little, he would be someone different. Someone smaller, he thought with a sigh, pinching the fat on his stomach. Someone smarter, and he pulled at his hair in frustration. Someone _better._

               Cassian rolled from his side to his back, closing his eyes and stroking his cat’s soft fur a few more times. He thanked her for always showing up when he needed her to. She was a lovely thing, all grey with gorgeous green eyes, and a hiss-like sound that came out when she tried to meow. She had successfully meowed a total of maybe 20 times in the 8 years his family had her. There with him in the time he was abused, the time he was an abuser, and even the days when he – _No. None of that now._

               His hand came back to his side, eventually, and he listened to the silence. His sobs stretched further and further apart, eventually coming to a halt.

               After a while, instead of thinking, he focused on his breathing. He felt only his pulse and his chest rising, then falling slowly. He could almost smile, if he wanted to move. In place of moving, he began to think again.

               _Please, God, or anyone. I want to live an extraordinary life._

He drifted into sleep.

 

 

               When he woke, he heard birds chirping, and he was pleasantly warm. He couldn’t remember whether the sun rose in such a direction that its beams shown through his window, but he smiled nonetheless admiring the natural red light that seeped through his eyelids. Waking up while the birds were still singing was a good thing, he knew, as he often awoke that winter when the sun was going down already. It was one of his habits that he detested. But that was hardly on his mind now.

               A faint breeze blew past him, and he scratched the tip of his nose while he wondered if he had turned his fan on sometime last night. Usually it was too cold for the fan, and no one would have opened his window. If they did, there’s no doubt he’d be curled up tight under his blanket, muscles cramping from the strain. He didn’t have a blanket on at all, so no, it must have been his fan.

               As he slowly woke up, he realized something. He wasn’t laying on his bed. The material under his fingers wasn’t the thin cotton of his sheets, nor was it anything that could be found on the nest-like bed he resided in for much of his time. It wasn’t the rug in the family room, nor the one in the living room, and it certainly wasn’t the hard-wood floors that would be freezing this time of year.

               He was laying on grass. His fingers twitched to life and grabbed hold of it, rubbing his fingers along the stalks. It was the kind of grass that cities grew in their pretty areas, except this grass wasn’t kept neat and short. It was rather long as if it had been left to grow for a long time.

               Cassian decided now would be a good time to _finally fucking open his eyes_.

               And so, he did.

               And he screamed.

               Above him was a curious sight, if curious was synonymous to _fucking terrifying._ It was clearly a sky, what with how open and vast it was, but Cassian had never before witnessed a sky that was green. Quickly he thought of the fact that the sky supposedly turned green when a tornado formed, but in that scenario, it was the clouds that turned green, and this sky was clear. He could see light from the sun in the corner of his eyes, but something was off, and when he turned to glance at the sun, he shook. It was pink. Correction! _One_ of the suns was pink! The _other sun_ was a stunning gold, similar to Earth’s sun during a sunset, and the fact that Cassian had to compare these suns to his own struck him harshly in the gut.

               That wasn’t all, however. Far above him -- for he was still laying down in shock -- were what looked to be plants of all different colors. None of them were green, as far as he could tell, instead being all the _other_ hues present on the spectrum.

               Cassian blinked. More than once.

               He screamed again.

               Then he sat up, his limbs shaking, and looked around the tall, _blue_ grass that grew amongst other bright foliage. It appeared that wherever he was, it was tropical, for trees with trunks like palm trees grew, but these trees’ fronds were different. He closed his eyes, not wanting to believe what he saw.

               Cassian knew he wasn’t dreaming. And dear god did he wish he was.

               His logical side decided to take over, and he opened his eyes again. He still shook while he stood, rolling up his long sleeves to seek relief from the heat that quickly made itself apparent to him. Unsurprisingly, he hadn’t even noticed the temperature until he snapped out of his panic. If he was going to somehow make it back home, he’d have to find out where he was.

               He fought back the idea that he would never go home again.

               He choked back the noise that strived to escape his throat at the thought of all the people he might not see again. _And his poor cat…_

But again, he fought those thoughts back.

               As he struggled past the foliage in his plan to make his way toward the suns, he wished he was the kind of boy to keep a pocket knife with him, or that he had at least gotten one for Christmas like his brothers. Then he would have a chance at having it on him when he appeared hear. Instead, he gingerly held the plants out of his way and tried to avoid getting smacked when he let them go.

               Now was not the time for movie-ready antics involving getting socked in the face by a swinging branch. He would have plenty of time for that when he got home and made good on his age-old promise to go hiking and get fit.

               He stopped to take a breather when I saw he was at the top of a hill, overlooking what seemed to be a forest. Not some woods, but an actual forest, with tropical plants like before and the sound of creatures radiating from it. Cassian shivered, hoping he wouldn’t meet any. Through his panting, he heard something behind him. It was a ruffling in the plants that signified _life_ , and when Cassian saw a hand make its way through the plants closest to him, he panicked.

               What happened next was some movie-ready antics involving stepping back _onto the hill_ only to find his foot falling, then his leg giving out beneath him. He shrieked embarrassingly high-pitched and then he began to roll down the hill in a mess of limbs. He would surely be sore and scraped up when he reached the bottom.

               “Shit!” a voice called from above. In English. But Cassian was too occupied to even hear it.

               The time he spent tumbling, ass over tit, was far truthfully far shorter than it seemed to him. To Cassian, it seemed like ages, and his mind was replaying the hand reaching through the edge of the forest he had left behind. It was something straight out of a horror movie, but then again, this whole situation was the same. It was something of dreams, movies, books, et c. and he didn’t like it one bit.

               When he finally reached the bottom of the hill, a few seconds later, he landed upright with his head spinning and his ass aching. He laid his head on the knees he pulled up to his chest, but he only got a few seconds of relief.

               “Wow, that was quite a tumble you took!” someone said in front of him, far too chipper.

               Cassian was about to snap back a “ _shut up”_ , but he stopped himself when the gravity of the situation hit him for the hundredth time that day. Someone had said this to him in his native tongue.

               He head shot up to examine his guest, and his eyes went impossibly wide when he saw who it was.

               “Pidge?!” He yelled.

               Truthfully, he wouldn’t have known it was Pidge if they weren’t wearing their Paladin’s outfit. Cassian always had an idea of what the paladins might look like if they were real people, and he wasn’t far off with Pidge. They had elfish features on smooth, tan skin with a spattering of freckles that Cassian hadn’t expected. They were small, yes, but not tiny, and it was evident they were strong. Cassian could see the outline of wiry muscles through his suit.

               The bushy-haired brunette narrowed his eyes at Cassian, scrupulously analyzing him. They readied their bayard. “How do you know my name? And don’t expect me to think you’re really human!”

               “I-I-I – uh, haha… um – it’s a long story. Please, just… don’t kill me?” Cassian stumbled over the words, once again taken by surprise at what was in front of him.

               The green paladin sighed, then said, “I have time, unfortunately.”

               Cassian cocked his head curiously, but decided not to ask. “Okay, um, just give me a second to figure out how to say this…”

               Pidge frowned. “Okay?”

               Cassian thought hard, wondering how to explain that _somehow, he ended up in the universe of a TV show._ He really doubted Pidge would buy that one. But it was the truth, and sometimes the truth didn’t make sense. Just like…

               “I am human.” Cassian said. “And you can take me back to the Castle of Lions and scan me, if you deem that necessary. And I mean, please do, because I really don’t want to die here…” He trailed off with a sad laugh. “And um, as for why I know your name… well, please keep in mind that you fly around in a robotic, possibly magic lion. This is almost as crazy as that, really.”

               Pidge looked even more suspicious.

               “In the universe I come from, there’s a TV show called Voltron…” Cassian wanted to laugh again. How ridiculous this whole situation was felt unbelievable. “In that show, a group of five teenagers find a robotic lion, leading to other robotic lions, all of which come together to form a giant warrior thing? And um, that robot warrior is called Voltron.”

               Pidge looked incredulous. “You’re telling me that you’re from another universe?”

               Cassian tried to smile. “Yes, and that in my universe, I learned about your universe. Through a TV show.”

               Pidge sighed, lowering their bayard finally. “I guess I’ll know if you’re telling the truth when I scan your DNA.” Their eyes snapped back to Cassian, and they hissed. “I won’t trust you now, though.”

               Cassian felt relief rush over him. “Thank you so much! I’m so glad I at least won’t die _here_ , on an alien planet.”

               Pidge smiled. “Yeah, at least. Now come with me, we need to get back to my lion. I just finished fixing her up when I heard you scream.”

               “Fixing her up?” Cassian asked.

               Pidge suddenly looked tired. “Unfortunately, I got separated from everyone when I got thrown out of a wormhole after a battle…”

               “The battle with Zarkon.” Cassian said.

               Pidge froze. “Yep.”

               The pair kept walking.

               It was a while before they made it to the lion, and like most things that day, it astounded Cassian. It was massive, really, towering over the two as they stepped out of the forest. It was hard to prepare himself for the sight of a giant robotic lion, and evidently, Cassian hadn’t prepared enough. His jaw dropped. “Wow…” he said, “She’s so – wow.”

               Pidge smiled proudly, patting the lion’s muzzle. “I know. Aren’t you amazing, Greenie?”

               The lion growled in response, a rumble that shook the earth – or rather ground – beneath their feet.

               “You’re definitely incredible.” Said Cassian.

               “Now, open up!” Pidge said, and the lion did just so, stretching her jaw wide so the two could step inside. “Y,know,” Pidge said, “if it weren’t for your explanation, I’d think you were either crazy or Galra to not be stupefied by her.”

               Cassian giggled. “I guess I’m just used to the idea of Voltron by now. Though, I do think it hasn’t hit me yet that all of this is really happening.”

               Pidge nodded. “It took me a long to get used to the life I live now.”

               Cassian smiled lightly. “My name is Cassian, by the way. I don’t think it’s fair for me to know so much when you don’t even know my name.”

               “It’s frankly weird to meet you, Cassian, but not quite bad yet.”

               “I’m glad.”

               They made their way to the cockpit in silence, then. Pidge seemed on edge, though who could blame them when they were with a self-proclaimed universe-hopping person with no credentials. Cassian thought they were handling it well. He was thankful that he didn’t get found by one of the antsier paladins, or he might have a few holes in him. Though it would have been funny if it was Lance, for he knew Lance would probably have been caught up by finding another human. Especially one who was often mistaken for a girl.

               Cassian realized in that moment that he would meet the rest of the paladins eventually. And that was entirely frightening.

               “Hey, Pidge?” He asked as they walked into the cockpit.

               “Yeah?” They answered.

               “How do you think the others will react to meeting me?”

               Pidge pondered for a moment. “Well, at first I think they’ll be curious. Some of them might not trust you, but the blue paladin, Lance, will probably think, ‘oh pretty girl!’” They snorted.

               Cassian felt a sting at being called a girl, but he ignored it for now. “I think Keith will trust me the least.”        

               Pidge nodded. “Oh, for sure. And then if we find out you’re an enemy, we’ll all probably be on edge. Probably will lock you up. Sorry about that.”

               “I’m sure I’d do the same.” Cassian shrugged. “And if it turns out I’m human?”

               “I think Keith will still have trouble trusting you, but Hunk and Lance will probably calm down.”

               “I see.” He said. “Then I don’t have much to worry about.”

               Pidge side-eyed him. “I hope not.”

               And then Pidge was on the ground, pushing themselves underneath the console while Cassian stood off to the side.

               “I’d stand back if I were you.” They said. “The Princess will probably call as soon as I link these cables and I don’t think she’ll like seeing you standing alone in my cockpit.”

               “Shit, you’re right.” Cassian moved back, presumably out of the way of whatever camera would give him away. “I have a feeling she won’t be happy to see me in any circumstance.”

               Pidge grunted under the console. “What do you mean?”

               “Strange human shows up out of nowhere? I’m surprised you don’t have me locked up.”

               “Yeah, that’s fair.” Pidge said. “Alright, just… about…”

               The console flared to life in front of Cassian’s eyes. The holographic screens flickered on, and it was the first time Cassian had ever seen a holograph before. He stared in awe, then jumped when a face showed itself to him.

               “—idge?! Pidge!” Allura shouted, a hopeful expression showing through her features.

               “I’m here, Princess.” Pidge answered, moving to stand up and show themselves to her.

               Allura crumbled in relief. “Oh, thank god! You’re the last paladin to reach us.”

               “I am?” Pidge asked.

               “Yes! First it was Shiro, then Hunk. A few days later Lance came to us, and Keith just got back yesterday.” She explained, counting them out on her fingers. “I’m just so glad you’re safe! You didn’t run into any danger, did you?”

               Pidge froze. “Um, I don’t think danger is the right word, but I did run into something. Or, someone.” They looked over their shoulder, beckoning Cassian forth with one hand.

               Gulping, Cassian stepped forward until he saw Allura’s face change into a curious expression.

               “Is that a human?!” She gasped.

               “She claims to be human, but I want to run a scan on her to be sure.” Pidge said.

               Cassian flinched.

               “Yes, that’s probably for the best.” Allura murmured. Shaking her head, she looked off to the side at what was presumably another screen. “I see you’re in sector Yeta of the Inglina galaxy. I’ll open a wormhole close to you. Will you be able to find it?”

               “Yes, Princess. Thank you.” Pidge sounded relieved and happy for the first time since Cassian met them.

               “I’ll see you soon, then, Pidge. I hope you return safe. And you, too, stranger.” Allura smiled, before waving and ending the call.

                It was silent for a few moments before Cassian found his words. “Hey, Pidge?”

               “Mmm?” The paladin answered.

               “I, uh…” He steeled himself. “I’m not a girl.”

               Pidge turned to look at him, their hands halting on the holographic command board.

               Cassian looked down at himself. He could see the long parts of his dyed-pink hair barely reaching down in front of his eyes, and past that was his feminine body. He hated his thick thighs that led to wide hips. Those narrowed to a small waist before blooming into a moderate sized chest. He had taken his binder off before his breakdown the night before, so he didn’t have anything to prove himself a boy, but he hoped it would be enough.

               “Okay.” Pidge said, simply. “Would you like to refer to you as a boy?”

               Cassian sighed in relief. “Yes, please, that would make me very happy.”

               Pidge smiled. “Of course, I know how it feels.”

               “What pronouns do you use?” Cassian asked.

               “They and them or he and him both work.” Pidge said. “I like he and him right now though.”

               “You got it, then, dude!” Cassian smiled.

               Pidge got back to work after that, messing around with the command board, doing things that Cassian couldn’t hope to follow. It was a few minutes of leaning up against Pidge’s chair while he worked before the small boy clasped his hands together.

               “Hey Greenie, can you grab Cassian a chair?” He asked his lion. She moved a chair into the cockpit from somewhere unknown and Cassian took a seat.

               “Thank you much.” He said. “Sure beats sitting on your lap and smothering you to death.”

               Pidge laughed at that, starting up the engine and thrusters. “Yeah, this way you won’t have to hold on for dear life to my tiny arms.” He flexed said tiny arms. “Now let’s get home.”

               The flight there was incredible, like everything else. Cassian had never hoped to see a wormhole, much less go through one. He wanted to press his hands and his face up to the glass to get a better look at all the colors swirling around. He promised himself that next time, he would. If there was a next time. It was over quickly, the wormhole experience, and he was met by a new sight.

               The Castle of Lions floated in space as if it was both the smallest and largest thing there. The area all around was empty, and there was no point of reference for Cassian to refer to for size. He just knew that it got bigger by the moment until it was looming over him, and they entered.

               “Are you ready?” Pidge asked as they docked.

               Cassian took a quick breath and held it. Counted to three. Let it out.

               “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

               Then they climbed down and out of the mouth to meet the group waiting for them.


	2. And So He Was Welcomed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian gets tested to see whether he's human, there's a lot of describing the characters, and Keith scowls a few times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first and foremost I wanna say I might have to take out the "self-insert" tag considering how much calmer Cassian is than I am. this boy is taking it like a champ; I mean, I would have collapsed on the ground, sobbing about how much of a good boy everyone is.
> 
> secondly, wow. okay, this took too long. I just wanted to get to Next chapter honestly. apologies for the flowery descriptions of everyone (except Shiro who gets less than everyone else, poor guy). next chapter will absolutely be more fun, imo.

               He really did hate himself in this moment, standing in front of four people he only ever thought he’d wish to meet. How could he forget the wish that must have sent him here?

               _I want to live an extraordinary life._

               Yeah, he wanted his life to be extraordinary. He did not want his life to be _ripped out from under him, sending him falling into an endless abyss._

But apparently, the universe had other plans. Its plan included Cassian standing awkwardly in front of Lance, Hunk, Allura, and Coran while he wished this had never happened. That’s how it started, right? With a wish? So maybe that’s how it would end.

               Pidge nudged Cassian, who was staring at the floor. He looked up to shyly meet the eyes of Princess Allura, one of the last two remaining Alteans. His heart ached for her, and he wanted the situation to be different, so he could do something kind for her. He wanted to make her deep, blue eyes sparkle with joy and her full lips turn up into a smile. She was beautiful, and something about the lines that cracked her face made Cassian want to drop the world and do everything for her so she wouldn’t have to.

               “Hello, Princess. It is an honor to meet you.” Cassian croaked, barely managing to sound human. He bowed his head slightly in a show of respect. “My name is Cassian Crane, and I don’t think I’m any kind of threat.”

               The four in front of him exchanged glances and short whispers. None of them showed any real emotion besides perhaps curiosity, and Cassian just got more nervous. Lance and Hunk stared at him, wide-eyed, and the Alteans didn’t show any emotion at all.

               It was odd to see them in person. The paladins. They looked a lot like they did on the show. It was subtle, found in the way Lance’s nose was upturned and his chin was so sharp, or the roundness of Hunk’s face and nose. Their body types were spot on as well. Lance was indeed a tall string bean, and Hunk was massive, though he held more muscle than the show depicted. Coran was strikingly similar, his hair as bright as his show’s counterpart, and he stood just as proud.

               When they finally stopped whispering to each other, Allura spoke. “Welcome to our castle, Cassian. I hope you are right, but to determine that, we need to perform a scan. The red and black paladins should be bringing the machines to our location any minute now.”

               There was a sound of rolling in the distance, and Cassian guessed it was said machine. He resumed staring at the floor until the rolling came much closer. No one tried to speak to him, not even Pidge, who was stepping forward to hug Lance and Hunk since they were reuniting. Cassian smiled to himself, happy that they were all safe. Then the rolling stopped right in front of him.

               “Ah, here they are!” Allura said. There was a lot of scattering as everything was set up.

               Cassian was afraid to look at the paladins that had just arrived. He knew who was standing in front of him now, and he could feel everyone’s eyes on him, staring. He wondered absently whether his hands would be shaking if they weren’t clenched tight into fists.

               “The scan will just be a minute, but we’ll also need a sample of your blood.” Allura continued.

               “Right,” he muttered, “that shouldn’t be a problem.”

               He breathed deep, trying to keep his wits about him instead of crumbling.

               “Then what are you waiting for?” A harsh voice cut in.

               Cassian gasped, his eyes turning upward to find the source. Violet eyes stared back at him.

               Keith was different, almost. Not quite different, but he was _more._ More than animation could capture. How could they demonstrate the intensity of his stare, or the way his eyes swirled with emotion and thought? The animators had tried their best, surely, but they didn’t nail the way pitch-black hair fell almost gently around such a sharp face full of sharper features. Not even the show gave Cassian this _feeling_ deep in his gut like he was the kindle of a brilliant, massive fire. He felt like he could someday reach extraordinary.

               He crumbled.

               “Keith…” He said, almost reaching out towards the boy. He remembered watching him try to take down Zarkon all by himself. He remembered how he had almost failed. Finally, he remembered that Keith had no idea who the hell he was. He wanted to look away, but he was caught in the stare. Keith’s eyes had turned confused.

               Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a large figure shift restlessly. It must have been Shiro. “Keith, do you know her?”

               Keith’s brow furrowed. “Uh, no?” And his expression was almost comical. He looked lost, a feeling that was out of place on someone like him. He seemed like he was used to being in control. He looked frustrated, but that seemed natural, his pout falling into place so effortlessly. He looked, ever so slightly, scared.

               “Him.” Cassian breathed.

               “Pardon?” Shiro asked.

               Snapping out of his daze, Cassian turned to look Shiro fully in the face. He looked kinder than Cassian would have imagined, yet still firm and weathered. There was a broken air to this man, his eyes alert though he didn’t seem on edge. “I’m a him. I know I don’t look it, but I’m a boy. I mean…” Cassian’s confidence was fading fast. “I-I guess it doesn’t matter. Forget it.”

               Shiro shook his head and gently smiled. “No. If you’re a him, you’re a him. We’ll all try to respect that, same as we do with Pidge.”

               “Thank you,” Cassian said. “I really appreciate that.”

               “But how do you know my name?” Keith cut in, that weird look still lying on his face. “Did Pidge tell you?”

               Cassian shook his head. “No, I, um…I’ll explain after the scan, okay?” Keith didn’t seem satisfied, but Cassian turned toward the Princess anyway.

               Allura stared at Cassian for a second, before seeming to snap out of her own daze. “Right! Here…” The princess gestured for Cassian to walk over to a large, complicated-looking machine with a moving scanner. “If you just stand here for a moment, it’ll scan you. Then we’ll take a blood sample.”

               “Wonderful. Will you use a needle?” Cassian said, his face paling.

               Allura smiled. “Yes, but it won’t be that bad. According to the paladins, our needles are much more comfortable than the ones on Earth.”

               Somehow, that didn’t comfort Cassian. He didn’t know what the needles on that Earth were like.

               Nevertheless, he stepped up to the scanner, trying to relax as Allura messed with a command panel to get it started. The machine whirred to life, the scanner activating and climbing up to the top of his figure, then slowly moving down. He wasn’t sure why it was necessary for everyone to watch, but they did, their eyes boring into him.

               The scan tickled, and he wasn’t sure why. It lasted less than a minute. Then it was time for the blood sample.

               Princess Allura fished around inside the machine for a moment to find it, making an “aha!” sound when she did. When she took it out, the part that held the blood was small, and the needle was rather skinny. Cassian almost had to squint to see it, and he had his glasses on.

               “I’m no doctor, so this may take a few tries.” Allura said. “May I see your arm?”

               Cassian rolled up one of his sleeves, having pulled them down in front of the paladins, to reveal pale flesh littered with scars. Some were thin and dark, others were raised and light, but they were all straight lines. He was glad he stopped the habit of cutting himself in shapes. Already, he was sure that anyone who looked could see what they were.

               Luckily, the paladins behind him all seemed to be occupied with each other, welcoming Pidge back. It was a cute reunion, everyone going in for hugs for the first time since they had been separated from him. They each spoke of what had happened to them since the wormhole separated the team, catching up with one another.

               Wordlessly, the Princess took out a piece of fabric to tie around his upper arm before she looked Cassian in the eye. “This will probably still pinch a bit.”

               It did pinch, but only a little. It was much less of a pinch than he remembered from the last time he had his blood drawn, over a year ago. He watched his blood fill up the container slowly, a deep red. It wasn’t a sight he wasn’t used to, but it had been a while. All his scars were months old.

               Allura pulled the needle out once it was full, pulling out a drawer on the machine that seemed to have a place to deposit the blood, then slowly pushed the handle of the syringe down, needle fitting neatly into a slot. Allura reached over to untie the fabric as the blood was analyzed.

               Coran was the one to speak when the analysis was over, voice booming over everyone else’s. “Oh, yes, definitely human! Not a drop of anything else in this one.”

               Cassian smiled as everyone behind him hushed. He turned around and tried to look at them but ended up looking at the ground. “So, uh, yeah. I’m definitely human.”

               “Then how did you end up on the same planet that Pidge was stranded on?” Lance asked. He looked incredibly confused and a little suspicious. At this point, everyone looked suspicious.

               “That’s a weird story, actually, and I don’t know if you’ll believe me.” Cassian said. “But that doesn’t really matter because it’s the truth. I just hope you’ll help me get home.”

               “Well,” Shiro said apologetically, “we won’t be going back to Earth for a long time, so you may be stuck with us for a while.”

               “I’m afraid that’s not really the problem.” Cassian said.

               “What do you mean?” Shiro asked with a confused look.

               Cassian took a deep breath, looking up to see everyone’s reactions. “I’m not from this universe, so your Earth is not my home.”

               Silence. Really uncomfortable silence. No one seemed to react.

               Then Hunk, a blank expression on his face, said, “You’re not from this universe.”

               “Yep.” Cassian confirmed. “I know it’s sounds impossible – hell, until it happened I thought it was impossible too – but here I am. In the Castle of Lions. Surrounded by the paladins of freaking Voltron.”

               “So, you weren’t lying.” Pidge said, incredulous.

               “Nope.”

               “Lying about what?” Shiro asked.

               Cassian laughed. “I hate this. I’m gonna sound crazy.”

               “I’m sure it’ll be fine,” said Shiro.

               Cassian wasn’t so sure about that. “Okay, well…

               “I’m from another universe, as I said. In this universe, there was this TV show, Voltron. In the show, five people from Earth somehow came to pilot robotic lions that all came together to form Voltron, a large robotic warrior, with the help of Alteans, Princess Allura and her advisor, Coran.

               “If I’m correct, that would happen to be you all. So far the names match up.”

               Cassian looked out at them with a grimace. This was really awkward for him.

               From the looks of it, it was awkward for everyone else, too.

               Princess Allura moved from behind Cassian to stand with all the paladins, Coran following closely behind. This meant that Cassian was now standing in front of seven pairs of eyes.

               The reaction was mixed. Pidge looked like he was analyzing Cassian just as the machine did moments earlier, Lance looked incredibly shocked, and Keith was content to just glare at Cassian. If looks could kill, well… Either way, Princess Allura and Coran looked fascinated, as did Shiro.

               “That really is incredible!” Allura said. “I almost don’t believe it, but somehow I feel as though it’s true.”

               “Yes, Princess, I get the same feeling!” Coran echoed. “Though if you told me this would happen but an hour ago, I wouldn’t believe it at all.”

               “Me neither, Coran.” Cassian sighed. He wasn’t sure if he believed it now, as it was happening.

               Keith scowled before jabbing his finger in the air towards Cassian. “I don’t believe you.” He said.

               “Keith!”

               “What, Shiro? He shows up out of nowhere, tells us this crazy story, and we’re supposed to blindly except it?

               “How hard is it to fake being human, anyway?” He asked.

               Coran twisted his mustache thoughtfully. “Actually, Keith, it’d be rather hard, especially since we watched Cassian get his blood drawn and be scanned!”

               “Yeah man,” said Hunk. “I know it sounds crazy, but we literally saw him get analyzed.  I don’t think he’d be able to pull anything without one of us seeing.”

               “I believe him.” Pidge said. “He was on a tropical planet in a long-sleeved and a pair of sweatpants. It’s obvious he wasn’t prepared for it.”

               “It was winter back home.” Cassian said with a shrug. “I was cold and I didn’t expect to wake up on an alien planet.”

               “Unfortunately, I’m siding with Keith on this one.” Lance said. “I mean, I don’t believe this whole thing about a TV show, and I’m not 100% sure you’re human.”

               “Either way,” said the Princess, “I think you should be welcome to stay with us until we can figure out what’s happened. Does anyone have a problem with that?”

               It seemed like no one was going to say anything until Keith opened his mouth. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea to let a stranger inside the castle when we don’t know their intentions.”

               This time it was Shiro to reply. “I understand, Keith, but we can’t go back to Earth right now, and we can’t drop him off on a random planet to try and fend for himself. He doesn’t even have anything with him!”

               Everyone else seemed to mutter in agreement, and Keith finally caved in with a sigh.              

               “Okay, fine. I guess it’s not my decision to make.” He said.

               “So, it’s settled. Cassian will be staying with us for now.” Shiro cleared up.

               Cassian sighed deeply in relief when Allura nodded. “Thank you so much! It isn’t ideal for anyone involved, but I greatly appreciate it.” And he did. He was imagining being sent out on his own and that was terrifying.

               “Of course, Cassian.” Allura smiled. “Now let’s see if we can go about finding you somewhere to stay.”

               “Will he be staying close to us?” asked Hunk.

               Cassian screamed internally. He didn’t know if he loved or hated the idea. It would be strange to be so close to people he had read _fanfiction_ about.

               “I think that would be a good idea,” Allura replied, “since it would mean you all can keep an eye on him. Keith might appreciate that.”

               Keith scoffed as he turned to leave with Shiro and Lance.

               “I think there’s an open room next to mine.” Hunk said, ignoring Keith.

               “I think Hunk’s right.” Pidge said. “If you want, Hunk and I can show him around and then take him to that room?”

               Allura paused to think about it. Nodding slowly, she said. “Yes, that should be good, since you will be living close to each other. I’ll see you all at lunch then? I look forward to catching up with you, Pidge.”

               Pidge smiled at the Princess. “Me too, Allura. I’ll see you then.”

               “See you, Princess!” Hunk waved at her before turning around to start the little tour.

               Cassian started to follow, trailing behind the two who chatted amicably.

               Suddenly Pidge turned towards him.

               “So, Cassian,” he said with a Cheshire grin. “Who was your favorite character?”

               Cassian groaned. “Noooooooo,” he drew out the word. “I am NOT answering that question right now.”

               “Right now?” Pidge asked, head cocked.

               Hunk laughed. “So, what you’re saying is there’s a chance you’ll answer it in the future.”

               “Maybe?” Cassian guessed. “I just hate this whole situation.”

               “What could you possibly hate about meeting Team Voltron?” Pidge asked with a sly grin.

               “It’s just weird because I know things?” he guessed.

               “Oh~,” said Hunk, “You know things~”

               “Oh, my god, why?” Cassian asked.

               Hunk laughed again, heartily, clasping a hand on Cassian’s shoulder. “Relax, man, I’m just kidding. Anyway, first stop on the way to your room is the Training Deck.”

               The door swung open automatically to reveal said Training Deck, looking exactly as it was depicted. Cassian looked around, then up at the observation platform above and to the left that was separated by glass.

               “How do you get up there?” He asked, pointing at it.

               Pidge gestured to a door just below it on the far side of the room. “Through there is a staircase that’ll take you up. There’s also a door in the hallway that we can show you to get through, too. Why do you ask?”

               Cassian shrugged. “I like places like that for some reason. That, and it seems like it’d be cool to watch you guys train sometime!”

               “I’ll let you know when we do some more training, then.” Hunk said. “We already trained this morning, so we’re done for the day. We’ll probably go again tomorrow.”

               “There’s always the chance that you’ll find Keith here, though.” Pidge added.

               Cassian laughed. “He seems like the type.”

               “Speaking of Keith,” said Hunk, “What was with that moment earlier? You looked pretty freaked out.”

               Cassian grimaced. He should have known someone would ask about that. He squinted, trying to formulate a response.

               “Well, let’s just say it was really overwhelming to see him in person because I really admire what I know of him.” Cassian smiled awkwardly at the two.

               Pidge got a look on his face. “So, you admire him, or you _admire_ him?”

               “Oh, my gosh why?” Cassian cried just as the door to the Training Deck opened.

               In walked Keith, possibly the last person Cassian would have wanted to see him screeching.

               “Oh,” Keith said, already turning back with an annoyed expression. “I’ll come back later.”

               “Nah, man,” Hunk stopped him. “We were done showing Cassian this room anyway.”

               “Okay.” He replied as Pidge, Hunk, and Cassian began to shuffle their way out.

               Turning to look at him, Cassian said, “Hey, Keith?”

               Keith narrowed his eyes. “Yes?”

               “I’m sorry about earlier, and I don’t mind that you don’t trust me.” Cassian said, trying to wear a smile. It was probably the safe option, not trusting him, and he was sure everyone was a bit on edge.

               Keith looked incredibly confused. “Uh, okay.”

               “See you around, then!” Cassian said, waving, then met up with Pidge and Hunk outside the door.

               It shut behind him, but he still heard Keith begin to mutter, “See you.”

               When they saw that the door was completely shut, Hunk and Pidge burst into laughter. Cassian flushed a bright red, pouting instinctively.

               “What?” He asked, nervous.

               Pidge wiped away an imaginary tear. “He just looks so confused every time you open your mouth!”

               “It’s so funny.” Hunk agreed.

               Cassian smiled and bowed dramatically. “I’m always happy to amuse.”

               They laughed a bit more at that.

               “Anyway,” said Hunk, “we should keep going.”

               The rest of the tour mainly consisted of Cassian trying to memorize the halls and staring in awe at things he’d only seen drawn out before. Unbeknownst to him, Hunk and Pidge exchanged smiles every time he stared in wonder at the alien technology, his eyes sparkling.

               When they made it to the room that Cassian would be staying in, Hunk showed him how to adjust all the features in the room that were available.

               “And this is the color of the lights.” He said. “Remember, the knob is the color, and the lever is the intensity.”

               “Got it.” Cassian said, flopping onto the bed built into the wall. He leaned up on his elbows to look at his guides. “Thank you both so much for showing me around.”

               They smiled.

               “It’s no problem.” Pidge said.

               “Yeah, it’s the least we could do.” Hunk echoed. “We should probably head out to make ourselves useful, so we’ll see you at lunch, okay?”

               Cassian nodded. “I’ll see you at lunch. Take care.”

               The two paladins muttered the phrase back, then disappeared down the hall. They door shut unceremoniously behind them, leaving Cassian alone in the room to think.


	3. author's note: oh my god

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the reason Im writing this fic

why is it that the third chapter of each of my fics either a) doesn't happen b) is an author's note?????? anyway this is for anyone who is actually subbed to this, or who comes across it in the future/because Im writing this author's note. Im gonna share the actual reason Im writing this, coz lemme tell you it isn't because I love self-inserts (tho I hold lots of love and sympathy for people who write self-inserts)

I'm hella mentally ill. I do a lot of thinking, a lot of fantasizing about not being the person that I am in the situation that I am. Sometime last November, I began thinking about what it would be like to meet the Paladins and every other character in Voltron. I did this mainly at night, before I fell asleep. It was comforting and fun, two things that helped me sleep. It was so much better than thinking about my then crappy life, so much better than thinking about my mistakes. I wrote the first two chapters during the first two or so months of this routine.

Then came late December and early January, in which I slept 90% of the time. The reason that I slept so much? because I didn't have a reason to get out of bed, and being in bed left me thinking of meeting the Paladins. so I was literally always in my pre-sleep mentality. so I was literally always sleeping. 

I decided I needed to get all of my fantasizing out of my head, into this fanfic. but depression didn't really let that happen so easily, so it turned into a lot of planning for writing this fic.

my life isn't like that now, but that period of time lead me to re-imagining this entire fic, figuring out a fricking cool reason that Cassian would be in their universe. and a plot, and so, so many ways to make this fanfic more fun and engaging. so! Im gonna keep writing it. or actually, from this point onward, it's going to be re-written.

thanks for tuning in to me rambling about my mentally ills

for now I'll post what I was working on of chapter 3, just to keep it actually updating i guess?? i dont want it to go to waste

see ya soon kiddos


	4. Chapter 3: the last chapter of the original fanfic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I HATE THIS SO MUCH PLS BURN IT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so after this chapter comes the re-write  
> the re-write is so, so much better i promise

Cassian spent half of his first day aboard sleeping, curled up into a ball on top the soft, Altean bed, not bothering to get under the covers. He was cold, not shivering, but still curling his limbs in as tight as he could, facing toward the wall and away from the door.

He started thinking the moment the door closed behind Pidge and Hunk, diving into dangerous territory. How long had it been since he had taken his pills? That was something to bring up when he joined everyone for food later. He was already feeling his thoughts running circles. He knew that within the day, they’d create a cloud around his head, almost tangible, suffocating him. He hadn’t skipped a day of medication in months, and he’d been on them for over a year now.

Cassian realized that it would be one of the many things he would have to get used to. He would not wake up in his bed, usually too exhausted to get up right away. He wouldn’t get ready hastily before reminding his parents to give him his pills, wondering if he was ready enough to start managing them himself again. He wouldn’t drive to his university nervously, then sit in the academic plaza drawing with his pen tablet until his classes started. He wouldn’t come home and pass out for hours until he got up to eat.

And he realized, bitterly and for the millionth time, that it was his fault that he was here. Just how long would it be until the Paladins asked him about why he was here? He came to dread the idea of talking to everyone at meals.

When it was time to face that dread, both Hunk and Pidge coming in to fetch him for lunch, he pretended to be asleep. It wasn’t hard, considering he really had been asleep moments before. Besides, he’d faked sleeping to the point of someone almost calling an ambulance before. This was nothing. They eventually left, giggling about the position he was sleeping in. They said he was sleeping like a baby.

After that, he moved to sit himself in front of the door. He started off facing it with his legs crossed beneath him, but eventually he was leaning with his back against it, dozing off with his neck at a weird angle. It soothed him to hear the paladins moving about on the other side every so often. It took his mind off what he would be missing now that he was here.

Drifting in and out of consciousness was always his favorite. He was too sleepy to think, so he would just listen to whatever noise he could, riding the sounds like waves. It was the most soothing experience he could think of. It was a time when his… disorders… didn’t affect him.

And if this time he felt like his head was starting to float from his lack of medication, that was just a coincidence.

Perhaps if he wasn’t floating outside of his body, Cassian would have heard the footsteps stop right behind him, right in front of his door. He was indeed floating, however, and he blinked lazily just before the door _swished_ open with him still leaning on it.

He fell.

He might have caught himself if he wasn’t at the start of withdrawal, full of store-bought serotonin and norepinephrine, but as he as was, he toppled over onto his back on the floor. Once again, Cassian blinked lazily, this time at the ceiling. He squinted, trying to pull himself back into his body. A face appeared in his sight.

“Woah, are you okay?” Lance asked, trying not to smile. He watched as Cassian pulled himself to a sitting position, fluttering his eyelids to catch his bearings.

“Oh yeah, dude.” He said, smiling weakly. “Just fell asleep leaning on the door. I‘m good.”

Lance’s smile faded a bit, seeming to remember just who Cassian was. Clearing his voice, he said, “It's time for dinner.”

They walked to the dining room in silence, nerves chewing at Cassian from the inside out. As they passed a few windows, he frowned at the broad circles of light dotting the darkness of space of just feet away from him. He came to a hault just in front of a window, pressing his hand against the glass.

“We’re… really in space, huh?” He said, more to himself than anything. He could feel his stomach twist at the thought of getting sucked out there. Would he freeze first, or suffocate?

“It’s wild, right?” Lance replied, coming to stand beside the other boy. His voice was hushed, full of the same awe that coated Cassian's. “All my life, it was my biggest dream to go to space and be a part of it all, and now… well, here I am!”

“I’m happy for you, that you get to live out your dream, even in these circumstances.” Cassian said. “Though I hope you get to experience even more than this.”

Lance furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”

He hummed in thought, though he'd thought about this enough over the months to understand just what “more” meant. He smiled and cocked his head before looking Lance in the eye and saying, “I want you to live a full life, one that's more than fighting for other peoples' sake. I want you to go back home and see the people you love, and I want the rest of your days to be whole. I don't want an emptiness to haunt you.”

“Uhh...” Lance said, shocked.

The two stood in silence, Cassian looking out to the stars once more.

Finally, Cassian shrugged. “You don't have to say anything. Let's keep going.”

Lance nodded awkwardly, then began to walk towards the dining hall again, Cassian in tow.

∞

“You two are late.” Shiro said, a concerned look on his face. Everyone was sitting around the table, eating their food goo. It looked weirder in person. “Everything alright?”

Before Lance could speak, Cassian waved his hands dismissively. “Everything’s fine! I just got distracted because, wow, we’re in space.”

Shiro smiled. “It loses its novelty after a while, but I guess it’s still pretty cool.”

Cassian squinted, thinking.

“What’s that look for?” Shiro asked.

Cassian startled. “Oh, just thinking!”

‘ _Yeah, thinking about how space must be just one big reminder of what’s happened to you_ ’, he thought, guilty.

“Well then you might as well take a seat.”

“Oh shhhh- shoot, you right.” Cassian sat down in the seat between Lance and Pidge, eyeing the food goo on his plate.

The goo was odd. It was indeed green, somewhat translucent, and it was _goo_. He picked up his spoon hesitantly before poking at the food with it. It wiggled slightly.

“It’s much better than it looks.” Hunk said, having noticed his reluctance.

Cassian swallowed. “I’m just worried about the texture.” He had a hard time eating foods that were slimy or too much of a liquid. He couldn’t even eat soup.

“Keith said the same thing before he tried it.” Shiro said. “I guess we don’t have much choice right now, since we haven’t stopped anywhere since we reunited.”

“Trust me, though, as soon as we stop I am going to find so much food for us to eat.” Hunk said.

Lance brightened at the mention of real food. “I await that day, buddy. We all know you make the best non-goo food on this side of the universe.”

Hunk softened, a loving smile on his face. “You flatter me, bro.”

Lance smiled back, just as loving. “Only because you deserve it, bro.”

They looked at each other amorously across the table, being separated by two people. If they could hug, Cassian thought, they probably would. It was a true bromance.

Luckily, the bromance was a good distraction for everyone, so Cassian scooped up a bit of goo and held it halfway to his mouth. Out of the corner of their eyes, it would seem like he was eating. He would probably need to pull out all the stops eventually, but he really didn’t like eating in front of people, so it wouldn’t bother him to put in effort to avoid it.

Unluckily, someone wasn’t distracted.

“So, Cassian, is the food goo okay?” Shiro asked, smiling lightly. The look in his eye said that he noticed Cassian’s act.

“It’s not so bad!” Cassian answered. He matched Shiro’s smile, then started bringing the spoon closer to his mouth. He stopped just before it reached its destination, saying, “Hmm, was it Keith that you said was worried about the texture?”

Cassian turned to the boy in question, whose mildly shocked face was quickly replaced with an unsure glare. Placing his chin on his hand, he asked, “What do you think of it now?”

“Uhh,” Keith said, “It’s okay I guess?”

Cassian giggled, causing Keith’s face to twist into an even more sour, confused look.

“What?” He asked.

Cassian dismissed the question with a wave. “It’s nothing! You just looked so… caught off guard.”

Keith made a face. “Okay?”

Cassian giggled even more, then doubled over laughing. Everyone stared at him, incredibly confused. He couldn’t be concerned with that, though, considering he was laughing so hard his stomach began to hurt. “I'm –-“ he said between giggles “-- so sorry for laughing!”

After a few more giggles, he pulled himself upright and put on a calm face. Smiling apologetically, he said, “I think I'm a little out of it because I haven't taken my medication since what I consider yesterday.”

“Medication?” Shiro asked.

Cassian smiled and tapped his temple twice. “For the mentally ills – I've got some problems.”

Everyone around the table now looked uneasy. Cassian laughed to himself, thinking, _Way to discredit everything you've said so far!_

Lance was the only one who looked more curious than put-off. “What kind of problems?” He asked.

Cassian smiled as he always did. “I've got depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder! The depression and OCD are pretty severe, and the anxiety mainly stems from the OCD.”

This seemed to make everyone relax a little, much to Cassian's chagrin. He put on a lofty voice as he sang, “Most mentally ill people aren't dangerous, you know. We're just people.”

Keith scoffed at this. “If you're not dangerous, then why do you have tons of scars?”

There was a beat of silence.

“Keith!” Shiro yelled.

The table became a mess of offended voices, all aimed at the red paladin, but Cassian began to laugh. Everyone stopped talking at that, turning to stare at him.

Still laughing slightly, Cassian said, “Well he's not wrong! I was a danger to myself for a long time. I'm definitely not a danger to other people ,though.”

Nobody really had something to say to this, so Cassian took his first actual bite of food goo. He made a face, but still swallowed it.

The rest of the meal passed in a way that he assumed was normal. No one bothered to walk him back to his room.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> could you tell i couldn't think of anything to end this????? Im laughing


End file.
